Hansel and Gretel the modern version
by OnLorakeetWings
Summary: This was the first story that I ever wrote and finished. I was in, like, sixth grade at the time, so don't kill me if it's horrible ;


**Hansel and Gretel ****  
><strong>(the current, more reliable and, over-all, better version)

Let's not bother with that 'once upon a time' crap. This story is going to be told the way it was witnessed. I'm Gretel, by the way, though you may know me as Hansel's little sister (only by 17 and ¾ minutes, thank you very much!), the heroine, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. But personally, I prefer being called plain old Gretel, and will respond to nothing else. I live on Jupiter, and I'm going to be sixteen in four days, seven hours, and thirty-nine minutes. As of right now. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is just how excited I am. For my last birthday, I got my temps (for a hovercraft, of course-what else?); a gift card to the hottest store in the Galactic Cybermall, MySpark, where everything, and I mean everything, is personalized; an old-fashioned jet pack, just like the ones that they used on Earth in 3016 (ancient history); a new space suit that is my favorite color, blueyellow phase; and last, but most certainly not the least, an R4-QPG system, and at least thirteen games. Oh. I've been rambling, haven't I? Ah, well, on with the story…

Even though my family was incredibly rich for the past two years, because of a completely random bank fluke that got sorted out last month, we were left with only 10,000 dollars, ¾ of which had already been spent on redecorating my and my brother Hansel's rooms. So then we were forced to move out of the very home that was one of the only remaining physical memories of my dead mother. We used to have a lot of things that reminded us of Mom, but Dad made sure to get rid of every other picture, letter, and postcard from other planets that were displayed throughout the house. He probably thought that he could make Hansel and me forget Mom. I think it actually worked on my poor brother. But being his twin sister, I know the three things that will defiantly jog his memory: Mom's hover-craft, her old jet-pack collection that was passed on to me, and the wedding ring on our dad's ring finger.

No, I never forgot her, no way, not in a million years! I mean, how could I ever forget Mom's welcoming arms when I got back from two whole weeks of summer camp (on Zorgath7, fifteen galaxies away)? How could I not remember the smell of her freshly baked coconut Zulu bread? It used to drive me crazy when she used to cook sweets and desserts, but they weren't for Hansel and me. Also, my mother was almost incapable of frowning. The only times I saw Mom get close to a frown was if she burned herself on a hot pan, but that was mostly a grimace. Or if Hansel or I did something extremely dangerous or mean. And when she and my dad fought. But all parents fight with their spouses at least once, right? I mean, c'mon! Am I right or am I right?

But then Mom just…died. Her death completely puzzled all of the doctors and nurses who examined her to determine the cause of her death. Her body, heart, brain, and everything else about her was eerily perfect, despite the fact that she was, well, dead. Mom looked exactly like she did when she was asleep, except for the deathly pale skin and the painful look on her face. And then I realized that my mother had finally achieved more than a frown (that I knew of).

I think my dad was hit hardest with my mother's death, because he not only cried at her funeral (he never cries), but he looked like he never wanted to even look another woman in the eye ever again. That is, until he met Janice. Janice was like a dream come true to my lovesick father. She was perfect (to him). So he asked her out, and she accepted. They went out for about four months. Then came The Question. Dad asked my brother and me what we thought of Janice. Hansel, who was Janice's clear favorite, completely adored her. I was forced to stand in a dark corner, feeling like I didn't belong, while Janice, on the complete other hand, strutted about my house as if she owned the place. The exact place where I live. Wired, huh? Long explanation cut short, I _loathed_ her. And when I told Dad, just like he asked me to, he looked at me like I was crazy. _This is so not fair!_ I thought. _Not him too!_ My own father was starting to Hansel over me! Janice, I can understand, but Dad? I mean come _on_!

Anyway, after what Dad called a "thought process" of about a week (we all knew he was actually scraping together as much money as he could to buy a diamond ring for Janice), Dad proposed. Of course, Janice had to look surprised, but I knew that she was expecting it. And when she hugged my father she smirked at Hansel and me over his shoulder. Hansel was confused. But then again, so was I. My new stepmom just smirked at me (no surprise), and my golden-boy-of-a-brother Hansel (HUGE surprise)! Gosh. She must have a lot of mixed emotions. All I could think about for the next 3½ minutes was "Well, crap. My new step mom hates me _and_ my golden-boy brother….OH CRAP!"

Later that month, after Janice got settled in (she pretty much already lived here, but I'm still getting used to seeing her at breakfast), she figured out that Dad was no longer rich, and that was why he didn't want to go on a honeymoon. So then for the next year, she vented her feelings on Hansel and me as if it were our fault. In other words, she was pretty much the queen of mean.

Then one night, about an hour after dinner (around 7 P.M.), she pulled my dad aside, and sent Hansel and me straight to bed. Then at about 11 P.M., Hansel had to go to the bathroom. He had heard Janice and Dad talking in a heated discussion, so he went to the downstairs bathroom to try and eavesdrop. So he went to the bathroom, and as he was leaving, he heard Janice start to speak, and froze. He heard something about a honeymoon, and "It's either they go or I go. Your call!" Then, Janice's chair slid back and she stood up, so Hansel ran upstairs as fast as he could without making much noise, came into my room and shook me awake.

As soon as I was up, he told me everything: how Janice wanted a real honeymoon, how she hated us kids, and how Dad chose Janice over Hansel and me. Was he nuts or something? Not likely. I think that that night, Hansel figured out that Janice wasn't all marshmallows, chocolate syrup, and cute little puppies 'arf'ing in a little basket. So that night, Hansel and I made a huge decision: We were gonna run away. I mean, we _were_ going to get kicked out of the house by Janice sooner or later, so we started planning and packing that very night. The next night, we set our escape for the night Hansel and I turn sixteen, in four nights' time, at around 11 P.M. We would leave a note from both of us on Hansel's pillow explaining to Dad why we had left (and to Janice to never again marry another man for his money). But for now the note would stay in a hidden place, and we would just have to wait.

When the right time had finally come, Hansel and I took advantage of our driver's licenses, and took Mom's old hover-craft with us (it fits two people comfortably) so we could get around OK. We went to Saturn to decide where to go next. Eventually, we decided on going to the Asteroid Belt—one of the only places in the galaxy that we haven't been to. It was a perfect idea… that is, until we got completely and utterly lost. Don't blame us! All of those stupid rocks look the same! But then again, it was a plus to us because Dad most likely sent detectives out after us.

Another benefit was that we found an inn on an asteroid. You will never believe it, but this little hotel was made of _candy_! Like, the real and unhealthy stuff, not the sugar-free crap that parents always prefer (except Mom). Real candy. Wow. Only one problem: if Hansel and I ate too much candy, we would get sick, and loose shelter. But a nice old lady, who had just returned from a galaxywide sightseeing vacation, made us a deal. If we cooked and cleaned for her, she would give us a room with two separate beds. Both the beds would have clean sheets, and two pillows each. We decided to take her up on her offer. And we were comfortable and well-fed—for about three days!

Then she locked Hansel in the basement, and I had to work for him, along with doing all the cooking and cleaning (which I was sort of already used to, but not the 'working for Hansel' part of the job description!). Then later, the old witch tripped and fell down the stairs. She had said that her ankle hurt really badly, so we brought her to the doctor. While Hansel and I were out in the waiting room, that cruel woman bullied the doctor into giving her one of those wrap things, and to say that she needed a foot-rub every three hours. So then I had to break my sore and aching back every other day for those two. Hansel, I didn't mind. But the lady? I didn't know…

Then finally the day came when Hansel pulled me over with a plan to, as he colorfully put it, "blow this joint". It was so simple, yet so brilliant. The plan was this: Now, the lady would always take a nap from 3:30 P.M. to 5 P.M. because of her "injured" ankle. So as soon as she was snoring (really loudly, by the way), I would pick the padlock on the basement door (I have plenty of experience from when Janice locked my stuffed toys in her closet). Then, we would write a note that said: "We have left. You should learn how to cook for yourself, because we aren't coming back. And don't bother looking because by the time you read this, we will be far, _far_ away." Then we were going to hide in the dead, close-growing brush behind the house. Brilliant, no?

I guess not so much because Hansel had forgotten to disable the door alarm (born to be a mechanic, huh?). So my "granny", as we'll call her, started to stir, but the alarm was disabled just in time, so she went back to sleep (thank God!). So then "Gramma" woke up at five, and needed her ankle to be rubbed. She limped around, yelling, but of course, we wouldn't answer (Note to Self: crack up later). Then she found the note. We counted down the seconds. 3…2…1…

BANG went the door, and out came "Grandmamma" racing out to find us yelling "Wait the heck up, you juvenile delinquents!" Then she remembered that there wasn't any oxygen in the air, and began to panic. After going bug-eyed and turning purple, the old woman died from lack of oxygen.

Even though she was completely cruel to us, Hansel and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. We hadn't meant to kill her. We left, she came looking for us like we told her not to, and she met her death. So that means that we're not guilty, but I couldn't stand to see her just floating there, so we gave her a funeral in the bushes. And then we were about to go on our way, but Hansel couldn't find the keys to the hover-craft. So he went back inside to get them. When he came back out, he had the keys in one hand, and a stack of Benjamin's in the other. I looked at him with wide, questioning eyes. All he had to say was "There are lots more where these came from,"

"Where?" I exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Down in the basement. There's a door down there partially hidden by an old-fashioned mannequin to the right of the cell I was in. The keys were hanging from the dummy's finger. I pulled the keys off the finger, and accidentally triggered a switch. It opened the door, and I found a whole bunch of bills! Come on, let's go!"

That was the end of that conversation. I bolted through the front door, with Hansel right behind me yelling happily, "Let's take as much as we can and bring it back to Dad!"

"That is an awesome idea! Let's do it!" I hollered back to him.

It was basically a room filled to the ceiling with cash, with only a little space to move around. The first thing Hansel and I did was jump on it. Then we started to gather it first in grocery bags from the witch's closet, then in our pockets, the hoods of our jackets, our shoes, our hats, and finally, the waistbands of our jeans. Now, we brought our luggage into the little room, crammed our supplies into about one-fifth of my suitcase, and filled up the other four-fifths of my suitcase, and all of Hansel's, with more cash than I have seen all in one place in my entire life. But we were generous, and left the room about half-full (we ran out of space, but we were planning to pick it up later).

We ended up giving about $1,000 to every charity we could think of, and still had plenty left over. So after that, we went back to Dad. He was alone. "Janice is no longer in my life anymore" was the way that he had put it. Can you believe it? My father divorced Janice! I'm so happy I could sing! I guess he finally understood that Janice loved his money more than she loved him as a person.

So, to welcome us home (and to thank us for showing Janice's true colors), we all went to Omega's Pizza to have a nice dinner, and get caught up. Then after we were all done with the meal, the waitress came over with the bill, which was surprisingly large—around $80. Dad sighed. I realized that he was nearly broke, so I caught Hansel's eye and mouthed "Pay up".

Hansel gave an almost imperceptible nod, then almost two seconds later, he whipped out a stack, slapped a bill on the table (an 100 of course), stowed the rest deep in his black motorcycle jacket, and said in a deadpan and almost bored voice "The change is your tip".

You should have seen my dad's face. "How—?"

I cut him off. "It's a long, long story," I rubbed my fingers together. "but there's more money where that came from." After that Hansel and I shared a secret smile, and then started our long and treacherous tale. In fact, it is the story that you have just read. And now you know what I mean by 'long and treacherous', right? And there you go. Now you know the completely real, honest, and true version of Hansel and Gretel's Super Awesome Futuretastic Adventure Of…

P.S. By the way, I just turned SIXTEEN! Yay!

P.P.S. I just found out that the old lady who captured us was actually Janice's mother, Dad's mother-in-law, and Hansel's and my grandmother.

GO FIGURE.

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><p>©2009 by OnLorakeetWings<p> 


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